Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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