I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
