Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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