You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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