girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
