my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
