apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
