My liver just broke up with me...
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
