I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
