Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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