Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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