Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
