If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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