dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize