So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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