Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
this is an emotional support booty call
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
