my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
