I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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