Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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