I met the friendliest cop last night
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
