Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
