dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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