If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Randomize
