Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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