My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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