i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize