I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
