He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
