I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
