# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I just googled if crying burns calories
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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