So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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