I hate your face
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
