I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
