Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
