i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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