is your mom at the bar?
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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