I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
