someone owes me an orgasm
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
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