yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
