the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
