you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
