Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
