My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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