I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
