Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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