I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
