I wish my penis had an off switch
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Randomize
