I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
