Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
