I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
please come you make the beer taste better
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
