God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
