i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
