this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
