I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
