Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize
