It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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