look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
