i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
