I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
